Waves of Grief: Processing Emotions and Trusting in God's Plan

I held it together, that is until I reached my car. Tears streamed down my face, but I turned away out of embarrassment, hoping no one saw. It finally set in. The decisions I made months ago were right at the time, but why did I suddenly feel sad? I started to question why I decided to let go of some of the areas in my life I thought were fulfilling.

It didn't make sense to me. I should be excited for what's coming later this year. I was smiling more in the early spring as I recieved acceptances or when other unexpected doors began to open.

But, not on that Saturday morning.

The only thing that I could do in that moment was call a friend, someone I know who is going through similar life changes. And honestly I would have much rather processed this sadness alone, but I know that tends to lead me to isolating more from others.

I started to overthink why I was making this phone call.

It's not like I lost someone. It's not like I don't have a job or plans for the future. In fact, I'm anticipating grad school to start in a few months, but I will share more about that in another blog post.

But, as I spoke with this friend, I quickly felt encouraged. She even shared that if I needed more support to send a text later or call again.

It still didn't change the grief I was feeling in that moment and still experiencing this week.

Earlier this year, I felt like God started leading me towards a new chapter in my life. However, in order to continue moving towards grad school, I needed to let some things go. I only have so much to give because of my health challenges. Even as I'm writing this blog post, the pain is unbearable. I will probably have to lay down again later.

Over the past few months, I've spent more time in prayer, trusting in God's plan for this next season. I'm sure there has to be more than what I'm doing in this season. I knew that I had to let somethings go in order to press forward. Then why am I still feeling a wave of sadness? Why do I feel empty or even a sense that I'm disappointing others?

Maybe it's because I like feeling needed. And I'm passionate about dance and creativity. I feel more filled when I serve and help others. I always knew though that I wouldn't be able to continue at the same pace. Work, dance, volunteering, it's a lot to juggle. And especially when living with chronic pain.

That's what led me crying on a Saturday afternoon. These decisions I made I knew were for the best. After all, I believe some of them were ones that I needed to let go last year, but I didn't want to.

Do you ever have moments like that?

For many years, my mindset was to push through. I would push through the pain that kept me awake at night. I would push beyond the fatigue that left me feeling sick in bed for days. Instead of limiting, I had the mindset that I needed to prove that I could do it.

Now, that I'm older, I know I can't do it all. I don't have anything to prove. I would much rather say no for now, then to try and push through the pain. I'm learning to look to God more before making decisions. And sometimes those decisions still lead to a build up of emotions and doubts.

I'm grieving what I had before. I'm grieving what I gave up in order to move onto the next chapter.

Grief, this overwhelming amount of sadness, it's all just part of the process. With time it will fade away or at least not feel as heavy.

My encouragement to you is to allow yourself to grieve as you go through transitions in life. Recognize that everyone experiences some moments of sadness eventually. It may appear that they are fine, when really they are not.

Grief comes in waves. And sometimes those waves come too quickly and feel overwhelming. Don't let it consume you. Keep pressing forward, trusting in Jesus, but allow yourself time to process the loss. And don't forget to call a friend or two for support.