Why Am I Still Dancing? A Reflection on Dancing with Chronic Pain

I was hesitant to share this blog post. This is something that I've been struggling with deeply over the last few months. But I was encouraged by a conversation I had with a friend. She reminded me that God will use my writing to reach those who need it the most.

A dance picture from a few years ago - taken by Chloe Daniels

I just don't have it in me anymore. Why do I put myself through it?

This is how I've been feeling about dance. I've cried and felt discouraged before, but for different reasons. In my early teenage years, I felt behind as many of my friends in ballet were moving up in level. I didn't understand at the time that the CMT started to affect my muscles and body. I only knew what I was being told and that my ankles and feet were not strong enough. This is part of what led me to feel less confident, comparing myself to others, and forgetting about why I was dancing.

I knew that I wasn't the strongest or most flexible in class. I struggled to balance on one leg, but my arms were still graceful. I worked hard to get where I am. I eventually progressed, was trained in other styles, dance en point, and began teaching other children. But my ability to continue dancing is gradually fading. My body is getting weaker. There are steps that I'm not able to do as well. And it's devastating.

I didn't think that my love and passion for dance would ever change, even if my body was not working. Now, my body is starting to flare more. I'm experienced days of feeling slightly feverish, chills, or an ache in my body. My joints hurt. The nerve pain and fatigue are overwhelming. And despite my longing to just try to push through all of the pain, I often question myself if it's worth it.

How did I reach this point in my journey? And how could God give me a passion for dance and slowly take it away?

I don't blame God. I don't blame the doctors who still haven't figured out why I feel this sick. I know that there is still a part of me that loves dance just as much as before. There is a part of me that remembers how I felt walking into my first ballet class as a young girl. I felt so much joy dancing. Even when I wasn't in class, I was dancing at home. The worship music would play in my living room, and I would be practicing the steps I learned or creating dances. Those are some of my favorite childhood memories that I cherish.

I'm learning that the passion hasn't fully left me. It's just changed over the years. I was recently teaching a class with movement that was all seated. As the young dancers walked in, I asked them who could do a movement sitting in a chair. I felt encouraged hearing all of their answers. In their eyes it didn't seem to matter what age or limiation someone had, anyone can dance.

Chronic illness doesn't mean I'm not able to dance. It doesn't mean that I'm not able to continue teaching others or choreographing pieces. What it does mean is that I need to continue looking for those moments to take a break or ask others for help. I won't be able to go back to where I was before my health challenges, but I can continue pressing on and allowing God to lead. 

So for now, I’m going to continue pursuing this passion. To answer the question I put in the title, I still dance because of the expression and how the movement can bring glory to God and be a way to connect with others.