I didn’t plan to write write about grief.
Grief feels isolating. An overwhelming amount of sadness that is too much to handle. Something that everyone experiences at their own time. Others might not see it. They may notice some tears, but not the sadness in the night or how hard it is to get out of bed. All of the stages of grief continue in a cycle that comes and goes in waves. Some of the stages of grief hit harder than others.
I wasn't planning on experiencing grief this season. And especially not last month. For weeks I looked forward to a trip on the east coast, visiting relatives I hardly see. It was a beautiful trip, but took an unexpected turn when I came home.
What I'm about to share is something I wrote after losing a family member. This loss was unexpected. This relative could relate to my chronic pain as she also endured suffering for many years. We spoke often of pain in these last few years. She made me smile and laugh even on the hardest seasons. She was there when I graduated from college and always called during the holidays. I will always cherish these memories together.
I was hurting deeply after she passed. And in truth, I still am. But, I'm grateful for our time together. It was a gift from God that I got to see her before she left this earth. What great hope there is to know that this suffering isn't forever.
Journal Writing - October 18th
When you are faced with an overwhelming amount of grief and loss, other things don’t seem to matter. You forget to eat or take pills that will make your body feel better. Brushing your hair or getting ready for the day is more than a chore. You can’t sleep as the tears continue to fall. And when friends ask how are you doing, you fake a smile. It’s hard to pretend you are okay.
You might wonder if things could have been different. Did you say enough or hug tightly? And how will you cope with this sudden loss of someone you held so dearly?
Grief can be like a dark cloud and it lasts differently for everyone. Some a few days others months or years. But, amidst all of the sadness, there will always be hope. A light breaking through a storm. And a safe place from pain.
No matter the grief you are facing, it will get better. There is no need to apologize when those hard days come, everyone faces them. You don't have to hold it together. God is there. He sees you are hurting and will bring comfort like no other. And like my grandma had told me during one of our last conversations, God is always watching over us.